I really wanted to respond to this Guardian article a lot sooner, but I’ve had a very eventful couple of weeks (more on that later…).
If you somehow missed Josie Cox’s article in the Guardian, it was published on the 19 April and entitled ‘Do millennials opt for a ‘fur baby’ because they’re broke – or scared of responsibility?’. If the title alone has you annoyed, just wait until you read the article.
To give you the jist; columnist Cox, explains her experiences of attending a gathering of new mums only to find out that one of the women there doesn’t have children (shock horror) but does own a puppy called Buster. After setting the scene Cox spends the rest of the article preaching about how dogs are not as big a responsibility as children (no sh*t Sherlock) and that millennials are getting pets these days - instead of having kids - because they can’t afford them and/or can’t handle the responsibility.
In just less than 800 words Cox manages to display all the worst characteristics of every holier-than-thou (HTT) mother you’ve ever had the displeasure of meeting. In case you’ve been lucky thus far in life to never encounter one of the lesser-spotted HTT mums, here’s five ways to spot one:
1. They are patronising AF
It's the classic holier-than-thou trait. You may have heard it in remarks such as ‘Oh, I used to think like that until I had kids’ and ‘You’ll change your mind once you get older’. If there was an award for the most patronising HTT article ever, then Cox would win hands down. From her "How odd" exclamation in realising the party is one short on the baby:mother ratio, to her closing "bless you, fur mama" close. Cox really does get the eyes rolling.
2. They are inconsiderate to the childfree and the childless
For the holier-than-thou mums out there, being a mother is the be all and end all. It’s something that they always knew they wanted and which (on the whole) came quite easy to them. They use phrases which use glaring assumptions about other women and motherhood. They don’t appear to understand that some women choose to be childfree, that others can find it difficult to conceive or that parents can have other goals besides parenthood. It’s black or white. No grey.
Cox suggests that young people with pets are “commitment-phobic, cash-strapped, travel-obsessed or simply career-prioritising millennials.” So, in Cox’s opinion you’re either a parent or one of these things, there is no in-between and no cross over. It’s utter rubbish.
3. They think parenthood is for everyone
As well as being inconsiderate they have a complete inability to understand that some people just don’t want kids; and the many reasons surrounding such a decision. For them, their decision is the right one and they have no need to consider any other points of view.
In her article Cox assumes every childfree/less person with a pet is compensating for having children. In her words; "A dog is a huge commitment, a fabulous friend and, fine, call it part of the family (ugh - see PatronisingAF above). But having a baby is something entirely different. Procreation is allowing an extension of your own body to face the world alone in all its innocent vulnerability. It’s bearing full, unconditional responsibility for a person’s basic survival, but also their physical and emotional wellbeing at all levels, around the clock, for at least the next two decades. Parenthood is all-consuming. It’s an existence dictated by constant fear and guilt. It’s deeply fulfilling and relentlessly draining. It will make you change – even abandon – your career, friends and identity without so much as a second thought, and it will force you to re-prioritise every morsel of your life.“
It’s surprising that given Cox’s ability to list some of the downsides of parenthood so eloquently, that she struggles to understand that it isn’t for everyone.
4. They reek of privilege and self-importance
The classic holier-than-thou mums use phrases and insults which come from an obvious place of privilege. Despite appearing to have written the rulebook on motherhood, they are uninformed about the struggles of parenthood in any other situation other than their privileged position (and especially from the lower quintiles of the population). They make comments which assume everyone lives their lifestyle (or the lifestyle they would have if they didn’t have kids).
Cox talks of “sticking your pup in a kennel, while you swan off to a festival, destination wedding or occasionless weekend of debauchery”, refers to natural, organic, free-range pet food as “Fido’s answer to the avocado revolution” and the current child-bearing generation as “accustomed to easy, breezy global travel and unconditional independence”.
If Cox’s examples are anything to go by, I’d also say they reek of regret.
5. They piss off other parents too
That’s right – the HTT mum doesn’t just annoy the childfree/less among us. Their HTT status means they also piss off other parents by judging them too. They have the air of moral superiority that makes just about everyone that encounters them feel judged or lesser. Cox is the kind of mum everyone hopes their friends that choose parenthood won’t become. The kind of friend that makes you think you can’t have a party where both parents and pet owners are welcome for fear of someone becoming the subject of an extremely patronising opinion piece...
I really hope that Cox was just exaggerating for clickbait and I hope that she’s learnt something from the backlash to the article – but mostly, I hope Buster’s owner decides to throw herself a puppy shower and that Cox isn’t invited.
Mrs.T x
What I’ve done over the last two weeks: My husband was taken ill unexpectedly two weeks ago today and spent four long nights in hospital. Turns out he had a severe asthma attack (which we didn’t even know he had!) – but thankfully the wonderful NHS took extremely good care of him and now he’s back to his old self, albeit with a new set of inhalers. Last Sunday, I left my lovely mother-in-law keeping an eye on Mr.T whilst I headed down south to do the first week of my post-grad course in Health Communications. It was a full-on week, but really pleased to have the opportunity to get back into learning and it was really great to meet all the other people on the course. I had to do a presentation on Friday (with just 90mins to prep) which I think went OK and have my first assignment due in July. I haven’t written an essay or done Harvard referencing for about 15 years so that will be interesting! All tips welcome!
What I didn’t do: Spend an obscene amount of time making several squirrel tails for numerous kids for a school play (but I know someone that did 😉)