One of the things childfree couples often hear is that if they choose never to have children that they’ll ‘be missing out’. Parenthood is pitched as a wonderful experience that is like no other, and - for mothers especially - as a magical time in which you get to bloom and feel what it’s like to grow a whole new person inside of you.
I’ve been on the receiving end of a kicking unborn; hand on the stomach of a best friend’s baby bump, completely aghast and emotional at the magic of nature and colliding of cells that create a baby (often exclaiming things such as: “I can’t believe you’re growing a teeny tiny willy inside of you!”).
And it doesn’t stop with pregnancy, there is the wonderful birth to look forward to and the sudden rush of love that you get when a midwife passes you your crying baby, it grips your forefinger with it’s tiny hand and looks at you in the eye for the first time cementing what has already been a nine month bond for the end of time…
It is utterly magical – except when it’s not.
Pregnancy can be difficult. Births can be traumatic. Coping with a new-born can be exhausting. Bonding isn't always immediate. Breast-feeding doesn't always come naturally. And all together that can lead to serious mental health issues.
On Sunday night, I watched Louis Theroux’s newest documentary ‘Mothers on the edge’ where he spent time in a special psychiatric unit for women and their new babies. A unit for mothers, who despite expecting pregnancy and motherhood to be the happiest days of their lives, have found themselves suffering from a range of serious post-natal mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety and psychosis. Throughout the hour-long show we are introduced to a series of current inpatients all of which bravely share their personal stories.
We start with Catherine, whose story is perhaps the most upsetting of them all. Catherine is the mum of six-month-old Jake, has been in the facility for four weeks, is under section and 24 hour surveillance and has attempted to take her own life more than once whilst under the unit’s care. Catherine appears to be the perfect mum and if you saw her outside of the clinical setting you would never know there was anything wrong.
“I’m very good at hiding it” she says, “Having a baby is such a massive change in your life and no-one can ever prepare you for that”. Catherine then goes on to show Louis pictures she has of Jake on her Instagram account; gorgeous happy smiley pictures of Jake with hashtags like #cutebabies and #cutebabiesofinstagram.
“It’s almost like I have to pretend that everything’s OK” Catherine says, “It almost feels like Instagram has to portray a certain image and that I have to tell everyone I’m OK and can cope, when the reality at home is such a massively different story”.
Catherine does have a history of eating disorders and teenage self-harm and the experience of having to terminate a pregnancy prior to having Jake; all of which most likely contributed to her condition. However, it is important to know that one in five women experience a mental health problem before their baby’s first birthday - many of which have had no prior mental health issues.
The head of the unit describes reasons behind post-partum mental health issues as the “perfect storm” of hormones, trauma of birth and sleep deprivation. It’s the story behind parenthood that you don’t see on Instagram – but the one that needs to be told.
Louis hits the nail on the head when he says; “The physical and emotional trauma of giving birth and coping with a new-born is in many cases aggravated by a sense of unrealistic expectations of what having a baby is like; the gap between how society tells mums how they should feel and a reality that may be more complicated”.
It's the same societal push behind the unrealistic expectations for mums-to-be as it is behind the FOMO messages for the childfree. Society need to stop pressuring mums to be unrealistic supermums the same way society needs to stop expecting every woman to be a mother (and to a lesser extent, every man to become a father).
We need to stop portraying parenthood through rose tinted glasses and tell the real struggles of parenthood; not to dissuade people from making the choice to become parents, but to prepare them for the realities of it.
Social media is a key player in that. The perfectly-chosen outfits. The smiling portraits of mother and baby. The angelic sleeping toddler. I get it - the highs are far more photogenic than the lows – but let’s tell it like it really is.
I asked my best friend (who is a mum with another on the way) for some examples of honest mum Instagram accounts and she gave me a list of the ones she enjoys the most. They are so refreshingly honest (and hilarious!). Please share these with the parents in your lives. And let them know they are doing a great job: The Unmumsy Mum, Father of Daughters, The Scummy Mummies and Mutha.Hood.
And, apologies in advance to all my friends that are parents for not hitting like on all your “perfect” baby pics. I just don’t want to add to the problem. Screaming tantrums and no make-up-and-no-sleep selfies are more my thing...
Mrs. T x
What I did this week: After a busy work week it was great to have one of my best friends back from Australia to visit at the weekend! We had a boozy Friday lunch followed by a trip to my favourite wine bar and a Thai takeaway. Then on Saturday I organised bottomless brunch for a big group of us as a 'Welcome Back' bash which turned into an old skool house party – just like the ones we used to have when we lived together around 10 years ago. Understandably, Sunday was spent very hungover and I still haven’t started my first post-grad assignment… (oops!)
What I didn’t do: Get woken up at 2am with a beaker of water poured over my head (but I know someone that did – The Unmumsy Mum 😉)