There are loads of things that make me happy; my husband, my cat Brian, holidays, good food, an ice-cold glass of Pinot Grigio, a room temperature glass of Malbec, the cherry blossom in my garden in the spring, catching up with friends, weekend coffee and cake, binge watching an awesome series, getting a bargain in a sale, sending and receiving mail, lie-ins, the joy of a really productive weekend, getting lost in a good book… I could go on.
There are big things and there are little things that brighten my day – and my life. I know I’m lucky to be able to say that I’m pretty happy most of the time. It takes effort though. I have to consciously make the time to do the things that make me happy and try my best to avoid the things that won’t.
One of the things I am avoiding is parenthood.
It’s hard for parents and those that want children to understand. I think it’s where most of the shock and horror behind the reactions childfree people get come from. And I get it – your children are your pride and joy, why wouldn’t anyone else want to feel that joy too?
The truth is though, there’s a lot that comes with that joy that doesn’t seem joyful at all. I read an article this week that really got to the crux of the joylessness – and it is written by Susannah Crossland, the mother of an eight week old baby. I Feel Guilty To Admit It But I Don't Enjoy Being A Mother is honest and quite sad but not at all surprising. Susannah writes:
“Until you’ve experienced it, you have no idea. I had no idea. It cannot be described. Nothing I dared imagine even comes close to how difficult and relentless looking after a baby has been. If I’d known, I might not have done it. Yes, that’s what I said.”
I’ve never experienced it – but I only have to leave the house to see how difficult and relentless parenting can be. From the baby that can’t be settled on the bus, to the toddler screaming because it can’t have what it wants in the supermarket, to the door-slamming teenager that hates the world. Maybe people who really want kids are not tuned in to this activity. Perhaps they think that their kids will be different. Or perhaps, as the writer puts it, motherhood is being mis-sold.
On the flip side, I also read an article this week about a study that has shown that dads are happier than men without children. There wasn’t enough information to know whether they had compared dads to childfree, childless, single, married etc - but my husband begs to differ. The same study also reported that mothers have greater hassles and lower positive emotions compared with their peers without children. So in a nutshell, mums do all the hard work and it’s dads that benefit – great.
I'm not saying that all parents are unhappy - my friends that are parents prove that. The happiest appear to be the most prepared - for both the highs and the lows of parenthood.
I sincerely hope that Susannah begins to find the joy in parenting, I'm almost certain that she will. I also hope that her wish for others to be ‘honest about just how gruelling parenthood can be’ comes true. The more informed people are before they make the massive decision to be parents, the better.
In turn, it has to be OK for women (and men) when faced with the gruelling facts to decide against it; to choose to be childfree without judgement, and to choose the path to their own happiness.
Mrs.T x
What I did this week: The highlight of this week was definitely the weekend. Mr.T whisked me away to North Yorkshire to a fabulous restaurant called The Angel at Hetton for a seven course taster menu and a night in one of its beautiful rooms. I feel well and truly spoiled – the perfect end to a busy working week. Another exciting thing that happened this week was that I was asked to contribute towards an article on childfreedom for Stylist magazine. I'm very excited to see the whole piece!
What I didn’t do: Have to clean poo and vomit from the hair of a toddler with a bug (but I know someone that did 😉)