Despite it very much taking ‘two to tango’ on the reproductive front, it is always women who bear the brunt of the expectation of parenthood. The same judgement, opinions and stereotypes don’t seem to apply to childfree men as they do to childfree women.
My husband is aware of all the common misconceptions which are aimed at childfree women – but he hasn’t had any experience of them himself. In fact, it’s a completely different set of judgements which go his way – and they appear to be far more positive. Where I might get looks of disbelief or bemusement, my husband is greeted with almost congratulatory smiles that say ‘How did you get away with that?!’.
We’ve had conversations with our friends that are parents and have often heard (from the dads in the family) that we’ve made the right choice; ‘Don’t do it’ they’ll say – always jokingly but with a definite air of truth (and usually in a whisper when the wives or girlfriends aren’t in ear shot).
This week, Justin Myers wrote a piece in GQ Magazine entitled 'It's hard to be a man who can't or won't have children'. The male perspective is definitely an interesting one and some of the article certainly rings true for my husband. For example, when I first told my mum that I had met Mr.T (which was around seven years ago when he was 37 and I was 27) one of the first questions she asked was whether he had any kids, and when I said no, she seemed confused and followed up with; “Why? What’s wrong with him?”.
Mr.T however, hasn't felt like 'less of a man' or been accused of being 'irresponsible' or 'immature' because of his choice to be childfree like some people have that have shaped Myers' article (maybe he's got away lightly) – but does agree that men simply ‘don’t talk about this stuff’. He also doesn’t feel ‘left behind’; in fact he feels the opposite, with his whole life ahead of him to live as he wishes.
There’s certainly a more open envy that comes from dads in response to men that are childfree, which you don’t often get from mums. Admitting regret for having children is certainly a taboo subject and I can certainly understand why no-one would shout about it. But, it’s refreshing to see the move towards more honest parenting; mummy bloggers like ‘Hurrah for Gin’ and similar seem to have at least made parents a bit more open about the struggles of parenting – as well as the joys.
It’s both frustrating (and yet somehow reassuring) to know that men as well as women who choose to be childfree are also viewed as less-rounded individuals than those that choose parenthood. I thank Myers and GQ for that.
I hope the article helps to normalise childfree men. We are more than our reproductive parts after all. If Myers writes a follow up article entitled 'Men who love cats' - then Mr.T is available for interview... (that's him above holding our cat Brian).
Mrs.T x
What I did this week: It’s been Valentine’s Week! Mr.T and I love dragging out a celebration (I’ve had birthdays that have lasted months!) and although every day is Valentine’s Day with Mr.T, we still mark the occasion. On the day itself, I was busy in the evening at a pro-EU march which went around the city of Leeds (doing my bit to say Bollocks to Brexit!) and Mr.T was at his music production course, so the celebrations didn’t start until Friday when we joined another couple of friends for the taster menu at a swanky restaurant. On Saturday we met up with another couple of friends to meet their new baby; a lurcher called Lassie and in the evening Mr.T rustled up a Waitrose ‘Dine in for 2’. Today, we’ve been to see ‘If Beale Street Could Talk’; which I highly recommend. We love a cinema date day.
What I didn’t do: Spend a few hours trying to remove pencil drawings from newly hung wallpaper (but I know someone that did 😉)