Earlier this week I witnessed a twitter storm erupt following one man’s admission that he and his wife regret having their child who is now eight years old. In the tweet, he said:
“My wife and I originally wanted 3 kids. Had 1, decided after a few years that 1 was plenty. Though I love my son, I now: A) Know myself well enough, and B) Know the challenges of parenting well enough to say that having a kid is probably my biggest life regret. Wife concurs.”
Within minutes, the tweet had been replied to hundreds of times. The majority of them; messages from other parents of disbelief, shock and horror. Most were appalled, some were saddened and all of them were angry. He was called ‘pathetic’, ‘evil’, a ‘monster’ and a ‘psychopath’ (to name but a few of the nicest insults). People told him to ‘give your kid up for adoption’ and ‘go and get therapy’.
He followed up his tweet by trying to explain that what he actually meant was that being “childfree would be simpler”, that “no-one prepares you for the BS that comes with parenting” and “having a kid is a lot of hard work”. Let’s have a look at those in turn shall we?…
1. Being childfree is simpler. I agree whole-heartedly. Parents have a much tougher time – anyone with additional responsibilities of any kind has things that little bit harder (but why didn’t he think about that BEFORE having a child?)
2. Not being prepared for the “BS” that comes with having kids. By this, I’m assuming he’s referring to the parenting lifestyle. Unless this guy had been living under a rock - which I’m guessing he couldn’t have been based on his own ‘CEO, Writer, Entrepreneur etc’ twitter profile – then I’m confused as to how he wasn’t familiar with the lifestyle that comes with having and raising children. (Why didn’t he think about this BEFORE having a child?)
3. Having a kid is hard work. No sh*t Sherlock. (And one more time for the cheap seats in the back: Why didn’t he think about this BEFORE having a child)
As a much wiser person than me once said; 'Thinking before acting is wisdom, but acting before thinking is regret'.
One thing he did say that I do agree with, in part, is that ‘he’d ‘bet money that most people regret having kids but justify it after the fact or pretend otherwise because it’s taboo’.
It is taboo. It’s no surprise, given the reaction this one tweet got, that other parents weren’t jumping in to agree with him, pat him on the back for being so honest and thank him for finally saying out loud what they’d been thinking all along. And unsurprisingly, the original tweet has now been deleted.
Parents admitting regret is not something we talk about. It’s an uncomfortable topic; for parents and childfree alike. I’ve never heard anyone say that they regret having their children. I have heard people say they regret the timing and even who they chose to have the children with – but not to having kids generally. However, I do honestly believe that there are more people out there who do feel the same as this man and his wife do (a few people replied to the tweet sharing the link to a facebook group called ‘I regret having children’ which proves he isn’t alone. Note: Not hyperlinked as I found what few posts I did read quite upsetting).
I believe that this man and his wife probably had kids because that’s what they thought they should do and not because they wanted to be parents. Maybe they had a child because everyone else was. Maybe they were scared of being judged for choosing to remain childfree. Maybe, they heard they would regret NOT having children far too often…
So, let’s stop judging people and hope that no other children are born to regretful parents. The next time someone tells me I will regret my choice to be childfree I will ask them ‘What if I regret having them?’. I know which one would be worse.
Mrs.T x
What I did this week: I had a whole week off work! It was so nice to get my ‘Out of Office’ on and have some me-time. I spent Monday doing nothing, Tuesday doing a few odd jobs around the house, Wednesday at a spa with a friend and then taking a trip to see another friend in Sheffield for the night. On Thursday, I went shopping and on Friday I met another friend for a daytime drinking session - she is on mat leave and finally had a free day to check out my fave new wine bar. This weekend, Mr.T and I have mostly chilled out – minus a bit of gardening.
What I didn’t do: Have to deal with a mini-person meltdown in the middle aisle of Lidl at peak shopping time (but I know someone who did 😉).