Since my last blog and coverage of the Birthstrike movement last week, I have seen an upsurge in people asking who will look after the childfree when they are older? I have seen tweets and articles convinced that childfree people are destined for a bleak and lonely existence in later life.
I’m not going to lie – it’s something I’ve thought about myself. (Contrary to what people who don’t understand the childfree life think; those who choose to be childfree have actually spent a whole lot longer thinking about their decision than most.)
There was a point where I asked myself ‘who will look after me when I’m older?’. My husband is 10 years older than me, statistics show he’ll probably go before I do and my cat is unlikely to out-live the both of us – would children make me less lonely in older age? Ultimately, I decided that for me personally, having a child to reduce my chances of being lonely in older age was not a good enough reason. And it seemed like a pretty selfish one; I’d be upset if I knew that the only reason I had been brought into the world was to be a future carer.
Besides, having children doesn’t guarantee they’ll be around to look after you. You’ve only got to watch a couple of episodes of Jeremy Kyle to see that families fall out, grow apart and that children may not turn out to be the people you expect them to be; despite your best efforts.
Families are also far more separated now. Looking at my closest friends alone; hardly any of us live in the same city as our parents, many of my friend’s parents live in different counties (mine included) and some even in different countries (my in-laws live in Spain for example). Plus, I know of very few parents that would openly admit they would actually expect their children to drop everything and look after them when they get older.
Loneliness in older age isn’t a childfree-only issue; loneliness isn’t the same thing as being alone. Statistics around loneliness in older age confirm this; a study by The Co-op and British Red Cross showed that over nine million people in the UK – more than the population of London - are always or often lonely.
Which? has compiled a list of the main causes of being lonely in older age:
· Retirement
· Bereavement
· Lack of friends and companions
· Poor physical health
· Location
· Lack of transport
· Financial difficulties
Childfree-ness and childlessness are not on that list.
So, what does this tell us? That parents and non-parents alike should plan for their own old age; stay active, maintain relationships with friends and find opportunities to make new ones, pursue hobbies, get out more and put some money aside for the future. When you look at it like that, it appears that childfree people may actually have the most time to dedicate to these activities.
I have siblings, nieces and nephews and a fabulous group of friends who I know I will be able to call on should I ever feel lonely – but I won’t be relying on them alone. Parents shouldn’t be putting that burden on their children either. Look at Japan for example, a country we often associate with a greater tradition of care within extended families, the phrase ‘kaigo-jigoku’ exists which means “care-giving hell”.
So, ‘who will look after me?’ isn’t really a question I ask myself anymore; it’s more often ‘who can I look after?’ Being a good wife, sister, aunty and friend keeps me from being lonely now and I hope it will in the future too . I’ve also enquired about becoming a ‘befriender’ to older people in my local community, so maybe a future “selfish childfree” person will fancy a game of scrabble with me too when I’m older…
Mrs. T x
What I did this week: I was away at a work conference in Liverpool for part of the week – it was amazing how many parents were revelling in their chance to be away from their children for three nights! I took the opportunity to meet up with a good friend for dinner. I found out that my best friend is having a baby girl - just ahead of International Women's Day. At the weekend Mr.T and I did our regular food bank shop and visited our new local no-plastic ‘refilling station’; doing our bit for the community and the planet. We had date night on Saturday and binge-watched Ricky Gervais’ new show After Life on Netflix (I can’t recommend it enough – plus it’s great to see a positive portrayal of a happy childfree couple on our screens!). We spent Sunday cooking together for the week ahead and squeezed in a couple of films; Get Out (which we missed when it was out at the cinema) and Bohemian Rhapsody (which we got on DVD and I saw for the second time); both brilliant.
What I didn’t do: Spend an evening pulling together a last minute ‘World Book Day’ outfit (but I know someone who did 😉)